Hope Deferred Makes the Heart...

So last week I hit a new goal of a 4 mile run. I felt like I could have run longer. My heart raced with the excitement of reaching a new goal and the hope to make a new one. In my mind I had secret thoughts of a 10K which to all other thoughts in my head sounded like total insanity or maybe actually bliss. I couldn't decide which.

This whole journey of running has been like a life lesson for me. Running has always been something that others do and love but something I "can not". That "can not" phrase has ruled my life in so many ways and I have let it. "Can not" has been a part of my life for as long as I remember. Really, like when I was 5. Somehow it seems to have taken control and never let go. I've never thought I had the strength to tell "can not" "NO" to it's never ending whispers in my ear. In the last few months I've decided that at least in this small but significant area of my life, "can not" is not allowed to join me. I run alone...

...Until last week after that 4 mile run. My knees are going out on me and "can not" is knocking at my door. After 6 days of letting my knee get it's way, I decided it was time for me to put my knee in it's place. I got all geared up, stretched the heck out of all my muscles, and gingerly walked out the door. I ran. It felt so good. Ahh. I WIN! for 30 seconds anyway.

So now I'm home, post 30 second run and I'm just not sure what to make of this. Do I give up? Do I try the gym (by the way I already have)? Do I just wait a while? Do I run anyway?

I guess finding "solutions" of how to work out just sounds empty. The greater issue here is my victory over "can not" and now I'm facing it's win over me.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick. Sick as in sad, weak, dejected? Or Sick as in "that makes me sick and I'm just not having it." So what's my hearts condition? How strong has it gotten from the short running stint and a few small but significant wins over "can not"? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Feel free to post comments. It's always nice (and a little scary) to know someone is reading.