The weight of "WAIT"

Christmas has been great.  My husband has taken vacation and we have done nothing!  We did not travel.  We barely entertained.  And we have supremely enjoyed the simplicity.  


But, there has definitely been something missing.  As each month goes by, I think about where I was last year.  During Thanksgiving we were discussing adoption.  Over Christmas we were 95% sure and the New Year marked our final decision.  As we approach the New Year and another "30th" on the calendar, we mark 10 months of official waiting though the ache seems to have begun much earlier than even Thanksgiving.  


We know our number in line and we know word from others as to what number is being worked on.  And much more importantly we know numbers are anything but a reliable determining factor as to who is next.  If it were, we would be close.  But my head and my heart wrestle between HOPE and cynicism.  This wait is tough!  No bones about it.  


Lately, I've been remembering the last stages of pregnancy.  I did not enjoy it one bit.  I was swollen and ached all over.  I could barely move and sleep was anything but fulfilling.  I also remember the heart ache to finally hold the baby who was then being held within me.  I longed for the moment.  It consumed me.  But in the same labored breath, I was a little fearful.  I knew instinctively that as hard as pregnancy was, it would be much more work to raise a baby.


This paper pregnancy holds so many of the same emotions. Right now I am 10 months pregnant and feeling great discomfort.  In fact, come to think of it, my pants are quite a bit tighter than they were even a month ago.  But the longing and the aching are very much present.  And so is the fear.


Can we do this?  Do we have what it takes?  How will it effect our finances?  Our time?  My visits to the grocery store?  My ability to work out?  Have quiet times?  SLEEP?  Etc.  And yet, it feels like I CAN.NOT.WAIT another day!


I hope and I fear. 


I googled images for "wait" and found this:

This one made me laugh.  It's EXACTLY how I feel right now, except imagine 2 wild boys jumping up and down all over me.  I'm not getting any younger as we check one day off at a time.  


But it also makes me laugh because this exact picture hung on my wall in college with the words "for Mr. Right" written beneath it.  And I did wait.  THIRTY ONE years I waited while often wondering at God's timing or if He even cared or had influence over my wait. And in hindsight, it is clear.  He indeed knew and had great influence.  And the wait was good.  I am so glad that this is not the first time I've had to wait.  I know my God has a good track record and it's one my faith can rest easily in...not that it's easy...well, you know.