Active in the "wait and see"

I had the impression that as soon as the Dossier was out of my hands that my list of to do's would simply disappear.  I can say my list is much less chaotic and time sensitive, but a list there still is.  On my list now is, fix the car to get ready to sell (because 3 car seats just won't fit in our mini SUV), paint the house, clean the windows, buy a camera (yes, it's been since December that I've been using our GIANT old point and shoot), read my list of adoption books, (transracial and attachment topics specifically), plan summer vacation, sign boys up for summer stuff, decorate, shop for cute girl clothes, think of a cute girl name, etc.  I suddenly feel like I'm nesting.  I'm trying to avoid temptation at Pottery Barn and Target for all things girly and just be calm until I know more.  Really I am.  It's not like pregnancy where you have a pretty solid due date.  This thing could be another year.  6-8 months is what we hear, but you just never know.  In the meantime, I'm dying to have something to DO, to buy, to create, to passify my need to be in control.  In control, I am NOT.  There is absolutely nothing I can do at this stage to get my baby girl faster.  No decorated room or wardrobe compete will make her appear in my arms sooner than God intends.

But what God is teaching me in the wait may just be of more importance than what I can get done.  The words                  ABANDON          RECKLESS         UNINHIBITED          FREE         have taken on a new weight and meaning in my mind lately.  I'm  thinking more deeply about faith and how short this life is and what fun it would be to run FREE after the things God puts in front of me; not weighed down by concern and anxiety of what people might think or say.  As of today, I am no where near that freedom.  My shoulders literally ache from the weight I carry.  I drag it with me into every conversation and every decision I make.  That weight tells me that talking about God is a really risky ordeal.  If I offend someone what have I done to God's name?  What will they think?  Will they ever want to know more about Jesus?  What if they don't feel comfortable around me anymore?  How would I handle that pressure?  BURDEN!  Ouch! I wonder what might happen if we gave away some things we "own".  What if it were in large amounts?  What if it was a part of our savings account?  The money that makes us feel safe in times of risk.  What if we needed it later but the fact that we gave it away made us uncomfortable?  Would we feel stupid?  Unwise?  Regret for having been frivolous?  ANXIETY!!  Ouch!

I'm just ready not to care so much!  I'm all for wisdom.  Don't get me wrong.  I desperately like fitting in.  I'm crazy prone to doing everything in my power to make sure that happens, but it's not getting me anywhere.  REALLY!  I'm 37 ya'll!  What does fitting in do for me at this point in my life?  

And then to top it off, I'm in a Bible Study and it's kicking my tail.  Thank God!  Compare Saul to David.    I Sam 23:1-14 to I Sam 15:1-35 and see what you think.  (God thru Jennie Allen gets the credit on this one).  It's good stuff but also seriously convicting.  God can not stand people pleasing.  And might I say people pleasing very often leads to disobedience and that is just not okay.

So, I'll stop ranting there.  I feel like this is my substitute journal entry for the day.  Just rambling away.  But I'm excited.  I'm not the reckless type.  I'm not sure what reckless would look like on Laura Choy.  But I know that I could stand a little more Jesus.